Monday, January 31, 2005

dahil sa progress bar...

You Are a Hunter Soul

You are driven and ambitious - totally self motiviated to succeed
Actively working to acheive what you want, you are skillful in many areas.
You are a natural predator with strong instincts ... and more than a little demanding.
You are creative, energetic, and an extremely powerful force.

An outdoors person, you like animals and relate to them better than people.
You tend to have an explosive personality, but also a good sense of humor.
People sometimes see you as arrogant or a know it all.
You tend to be a bit of a loner, though you hate to be alone.

Souls you are most compatible with: Seeker Soul and Peacemaker Soul

monday blahs and sniffs

Just for the record, may sakit pa rin ako.

I am at work after, well, staying in to rest during last week's pre-weekend days. *Sigh* I am hoping that the flu will go away but alas, its sticky claws are still enveloping my throat. Sheesh.

But since my workload has been piling up, i had to come down the office. *sigh* times like these i wish i was portable too.

+ + +

I am grateful for the weekend though. It gave me time to rest, recuperate and spend some QT with my sweetie :-)

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Inscribed in chalk, Jolography is vivdly remembered.

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In one of our recent trips, we launched a "day trip to Corregidor". That meant waking up at the ungodly hour of 5am and waiting for the boat in CCP at 8am (we didn't have reservations for the boat ride). I had low expectations since i haven't had any notion on what to expect. What i thought to be a boring trip was actually, quite fun.

The idea of Corregidor that stuck in my brain since Grade school was that it was one of the islands where US and Japanese troops battled for Manila. Little did i know that this small tadpole of an island was one of the key locations in getting hold of not only Manila, but the US force in the Pacific. I found out about the wars fought by brave and fearless Filipinos who shed blood for the country. Going around the island, i can only imagine those days of endless smoke and cries of anguish as they endured the days and nights of battle.

I cannot say if i will go to the island again. But the history that was shown to me was quite a revelation, and made me well, proud to be in a country that was so rich in history and has overcome so many battle scars. :-)

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Friday, January 28, 2005

still sick part deux : plugging na lang muna

January - February Walking Tour Schedule!
Happy New Year! Kung Hei Fat Choy! and Happy Valentines!

Philippine Islands, Images of a People 1860-1920
Vintage Photos from the John Silva Collection
WHERE: Silver Lens Gallery, 33C, South Tower, Pacific Plaza, Fort
WHEN: Opening Party, January 13, Thu, 5:00pm to 8:00pm
Runs till February 25

Paolo Alcarazen, Lecture
"Streets of Manila and Urban Sprawl"
Lopez Memorial Museum
Benpres Building, Meralco Avenue, Ortigas Center
Saturday, 22 January, from 2-4 PM
(Admission P100).

Note: No CCP Tours in February


Historical Tour of Binondo and San Nicolas
Rediscover Chinatown! Let's take a Saturday afternoon stroll and
we'll rediscover the charms of San Nicolas and Binondo. We'll ride a
drawn coach and check out Plaza Calderon, Binondo Church, Jaboneros
Madrid Street, Zaragoza Street, Sevilla Street, Lavezares Street,
Street, and the Seng Guan Buddhist Shrine among others as we wander in
out of the buildings and alleyways of one of Manila's oldest districts.
Trip ends with visit to Far East Moon Cake Store and Salazar Bakery on
Ongpin Street. Meet at the portico in front of Binondo Church at
Prepare Php200.00 each for the coach driver.
Pay-what-you-want. Tour is free. Donate an amount at your discretion.
January 16 - Sunday
February 20 - Sunday


Walking Tour of the Historic Cultural Center of the Philippines
Take note of new starting time!
Its a tour all about the Philippines in the 1970?s and the tumultous
era of
Martial Law, 18 inch bell-bottoms, and Miss Universe. Its a little bit
disco, a little bit New Society, and completely Imeldific. So come take
trippy trip through National Artist for Architecture Leandro Locsins
buildings as we analyze one of the most exciting periods in Philippine
Meet at the at the Figaro Coffee Shop beside the CCP at 1:00PM.
Please prepare entrance fee to the PICC and Coconut Palace.
Php30.00 - PICC
Php100.00 - Coconut Palace
January 15 - Saturday

Walking Tour of Historic Intramuros

Almost four years running now, its the most popular tour in the
and a definite must for beginners in Philippine History. Take a
afternoon walk along the 400 year old walls and take in a humorous
of Philippine art, culture, and society from the Pre-Hispanic and
periods. Ironically irreverent yet informative. Meet in front of Manila
Cathedral at 2:30PM
Please prepare entrance fees to the Casa Manila Museum.
Php 40.00 for adults
Php 15.00 for students.
January 23 - Sunday
February 6 - Sunday

A Shopping Tour of Downtown Manila

Rizal Avenue and the Escolta was Manila's premier shopping district
the 1970's when the rise of Makati Commercial Center and the
construction of
the LRT somewhat diminished this distinction. Now part of Manila Mayor
Atienza's Urban Renewal Program, the area has been cleaned up and
rehabilitated as a pedestrian promenade. Most of its mid-20th century
historic charm remains and its still the cheapest place in Manila to
shoes, hardware, appliances, clothes, sex gadgets, jewelery, pearls,
queen tiaras, voodoo potions, flowers, handicrafts, videos, and
This tour of Manila's more fascinating shops will also be coupled with
side tour of Quiapo Church, the Bahay Nakpil Bautista, the Handicraft
under the Quezon Bridge, and the Quiapo Mosque. Its a walking tour
heavy on
the walking part. Dress lightly and wear practical shoes. Meet in front
the Calvo Building (Wah Yuen Restaurant) on Escolta at 2:30PM
January 22 - Saturday
February 5 - Saturday

Tour fees:
Php400.00 for adults
Php150.00 for students
Public school students and government employees go free.
Please call to reserve. The free slots are limited per tour.

For a group of 5 pax or less (Php600.00 each person) - full fare of
Php3000.00 for less than 5.
6 to 10 pax (Php550.00 each person)
11 - 15 pax (Php500.00 each person)
16 - 20 pax (Php450.00 each person)
21 - 25 pax (Php400.00 each person)
26 - above (Php350.00 each person)
Php150.00 (Minimum group of 25 pax)

Its best to call and check if there are private tours already scheduled
the week. Sometimes you may join those tours and its cheaper than
booking a
private tour just for yourself.

For all reservations, directions, or inquiries:
Text: 0 926 2597506 to reserve
Phone: 671-7726

Thursday, January 27, 2005

still sick

Pare, wasted nako.

I am still sick. Managed to do a couple of chores, get some rest (40 minute nap?) and yep, was even able to fix a printing problem through the phone sometime today.

I cannot fathom why there would still be some people who would bother you when you are sick. After all, the main objective of staying home would be to rest (a.k.a, not work). Oh well. *sigh* It's partly my fault. I cannot bear the thought of turning off my phone, since it will cut me off not just from work, but from everybody else as well. I tried doing that yesterday but ended up having more than 30 delayed messages and about 10 missed calls (3 from family, the rest from work). I tell ya, it's harder to keep on erasing those messages than it is just receiving them on time and erasing them as they come in.

I hope i can muster enough strength to go back to work tomorrow --- as far as the workload goes, it'll be a pile of papers when i get back. Sheesh.

+ + +
(a short plug for those in the area and are bitten by the art bug!)

Artist-Guided Tour with Brenda Fajardo
February 8, Tuesday, 2-4 pm
Fee: P100

Wouldn’t you like to hear things straight from the
horse’s mouth? While Luna, Hidalgo and the rest of the
artists featured in “A Rough Sketch: Initial Musings”
would be unable to personally speak, their works will
do so in their stead. Dr. Brenda Fajardo on February
9 will give a guided tour of the exhibition to help
these works speak to viewers. A painter, stage
designer, and teacher, Dr Fajardo will enable the
viewers to understand and appreciate the studies and
sketches of the featured artists. Fee is P100 (Limited
slots). Participants are asked to bring either
charcoal pencil and white pencil or black and white
contè crayon, and a brush for the activity. Dr Brenda
Fajardo received her MA in arts education at the
University of Wisonsin. She is founding member of the
Philippine Art Educators Association and the
KASIBULAN. She is a 1992 Thirteen Artist awardee of
the Cultural Center of the Philippines.

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Wednesday, January 26, 2005

random thoughts when you're sick

I am living for moments.
I cherish every moment that i still have with you.
I look forward to the moments that i will share with you.

+ + +

I am sick. Flu hasn't been kind to me --watery eyes, clogged nose, the pale face --- but when you're sick and someone tells you that you are beautiful, you know the someone is special. :-) I am happy even though my body aches and my joints cry out in pain.

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I wish i can bottle up moments and drink them like an elixir whenever i feel blue. I want to remember every though, every word, every action and absorb them like water.

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7/11 Munchies at night and eggs for breakfast --- nothing beats a combination of food, cooking and watching Sopranos with you!

+ + +

I will never watch Sopranos (or the Family Guy) the same way again.

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Tuesday, January 25, 2005

girls are pretty, some more news and yes, other interesting reads for the day

this blog kicks ass!

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limpbwizit's solo movie adventure is pretty weird. (i'm thinking twice of watching at Podium tuloy)

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Watching the Sopranos, i never imagined that the stress of a crooked life can catch up with you. I was wrong. Not only that, actual circumstances depict such psychological pressure. Some news today kinda spooked me out.

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no scrubs

i am sick.kinda.

My sweetie's fever broke sometime last night, something i am really thankful for. He's been having the 24 (or should i say 48?) hour bug, and i think remnants of that has been transferred to me. My nose is clogged and my eyes have been watering. *sigh* Oh well. It's not a bad thing, actually. I guess i'm used to the fact that i have these every so often from stress and all the weather changes happening.

+ + +

Things have been quite hectic at work lately that after office i just head back home and try to get some rest. It's been fun, just hangin' around the house, watching Sopranos with him and eating dinner. It's funny, a couple of months back i would have rather killed myself than stay at home but these days i have a better time hangin at home than elsewhere. Hmmm... is this old age catching up with me? Yeah, right...hehhehe.

I love chillin' with my sweetie so much that i actually worry sometimes that we've been spending waaay too much time together we might feel some fading lovin'. So far, that hasn't happened (i'm glad) and i hope it never will. He's such a great guy to hang out it (insert mushy stuff here) and he's so smart (one of the many things i find sooo hot in a guy) and funny. (ok, i'll stop now)

+ + +

I don't want no scrubs, scrubs is a guy who won't get no love from me.... AARRGH!! Must..stop.. LSS.... *fumes* (thank God my sweetie ain't a scrub)

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Monday, January 24, 2005

tres marias

tres marias
Originally uploaded by bunnie_lette.
A much-delayed uploading of xmas pics! This was a pic taken by Mark, an officemate--- you can tell that we've been drinking. hahha!

Weekend what-have-yous

Saturday was spent at a kid's party in Pampanga --- Jason's officemate's baby girl celebrated her first b-day complete with lotsa food, balloons and well, everything else you can think of in a kid's party. We met up with Jason's pother officemates in SM Annex, who turned out to be pretty fun to hang with --- Iris, Helen, Lita and the rest were pretty great, and i had a blast hangin with Helen's niece and nephew (the kid promised he'd visit me that night donning his Batman costume, heheh). On the way back we had a short detour through Caloocan because we apparently took the wrong van (it was heading to the LRT1 terminal,not the LRT2 as we thought). Still twas good since we got to top off the afternoon with shakes from Cafe Bola and a vcd-fest of Sopranos. hehhee
+ + +

Had coffee and conversation with gal pals yesterday --- it was great to chat with them again! My friend Haydz, Herb and Char met up with me for several reasons: one, Char and I are currently working on a side project (translation thing), Haydz and I haven't seen each other for a looong time, and herb and i wanted to finally give each other our xmas gifts. hehhehe ...

+ + +

Kudos to my sweetie who got in one of his priority Universities! :-) I am so darn proud of him! (insert mushy compliments here) I love you! :-*

+ + +

Friday, January 21, 2005

and then some

So far, the beginning of this year has been proving that "good matras make good karmas".

I've been very skeptical last December on how my year will turn out. Keeping this new and well-somewhat uncharacteristic manner of being positive has, so far, proven to be beneficial and delightfully rewarding. Relationship-wise, things are going well, and the somewhat jittery experience of meeting the 'rents was fun. :-) Career-wise, things seem to be going smoothly, and extra perks have been going my way (yey!) I even got some side projects that are surprisingly right in my alley, so itr's pretty exciting to work on them. *big smiles!*

Sometimes i surprise myself with this bout of positive energy.

Of course, my inherent negativity tells me that things may take a turn for the worse later on, but right now i'm just happy that things are doin' fine.

+ + +

My friend Paolo is seriously scaring me with his articles in Psychicpants these days. Then again, i love scaring myself silly (call it self-inflicted pain). Hehehe.

+ + +

Feminists of the world, unite! The controversial speech by the Harvard University President drew some pretty strong reaction from the rest of the world --- i feel bad for him (he said he meant to be "provocative", not discriminating) but i still don't understand why he didn't consider the repercussions of his actions. :-P

my 15 seconds of online fame

Got an interesting review of my recent collaborative work my with my cousin. Hehehe, reading it, i can't help but think about Mitzy's interesting story. hahaha, they make me sound more than what i am :-P

JOLTS by Aurelio Lopez III (seen on sidebar) can be bought online through

Thursday, January 20, 2005

four purses and a mangosteen

A flurry of activity, we spent the last day of Jason's family trip in Manila hopping from one place to another. The girls (moi, Jenny,her mom, Mitzy and Melissa) shopped till we dropped, checking out Greenbelt and Greenhills while Jason and his dad spent QT playing golf in Intramuros.

We bought some bags (4 bags for Jason's mom) some shoes, jewelry and fruit (bought pomelos for Jason, while Jenny got her dad a mangosteen to try), all the while excitedly checking out the goods and gushing over our fantastic buys. Even Mitzy, who was sleepy earlier, got into excited mode when we went down Greenhills and shopped around. There's nothing like shopping, checking out fashion and hangin' out to bond 5 women in 50 minutes!

+ + +

Got some free lessons on spotting a fake designer bag from an original as well as what to take note of when buying imitation anything: check the stitching, see the fabric (or leather quality), and always, always have a catalogue (or get to know the real thing)!

+ + +

We regrouped in Cafea, the coffee shop next to Starbucks and made a quick tour around Intramuros, checking out the Manila Cathedral as well as the very interesting compound/museum/antique shop of San Luis. Hmm... the museum reminds me so much of my lola's house in Balasan. They even have an arinola hehehe. I am glad that some of the information i read from our reports on Intramuros still retained in my head --- some of the questions Jason's folks had weren't answered by the information materials that they had (hooray for Art History!) :-)

+ + +

Jason, his dad and i decided to take the lrt-mrt route going back to the hotel while the girls took a cab. It was fun to walk around, take a side trip to Luneta and get into the hub of the metro through commuting. It was quite hot taking the lrt (then again, this was the old one, and not properly maintained); thankfully, the mrt train was working properly so we didn't get to experience the inconvenience of the first ride. Jason's dad didn't seem to mind though, (i hope he enjoyed himself) which was pretty cool.

After a short intermission at the hotel, we ate dinner at North Park and had a nightcap of coffee and dessert at The Bean, exchanging stories and laughs. Mitzy told us about a really funny article they wrote of her in her hometown which was totally misconstrued and made-up (check it out here), while Jason and Melissa shared more of their fullbright stories.

+ + +

It was really great meeting and spending time with them. There are so many things and places i wish they would have seen and experienced, but i hope their three-day stay was fun and worthwhile. I am pretty happy to have finally met his parents and his sister (she's pretty cool, i must say!). Like i said, he's pretty lucky :-)

p.s. hope i can get to visit soon!

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

catching up

So far, things at work have been mellow (and i mean that in a good way!) so i decided to check out the net and revisit some of the sites/links i have been trying to maintain all these years.

My site, of course, has been poorly maintained (haven't touched it in years!) which is why seeing it again makes me cringe. (you be the judge, check it out) I have promised myself a million times that i will re-do it before the year ends but look-- another year starts and it's still the same look. hahahha. This year i really hope to make it through this time around.

Of course, there's my other page link in deviantart. After about 13 weeks, i finally updated something new to my gallery. Whoo-hoo!

That done, i blog and update my current blog (heheh). Hmm... all i need to do now is check my friendster and myspace accounts, then i'm all set! hahaha.

+ + +

Last night was a series of activities, all of which i enjoyed. Met up with several college friends for a small get-together for our friend River, who was going to the States on Firday. It was great to see familiar faces and well, catch up with the who and whats of the past few months.

River lives with her family outside the metro, so it was a rare occasion that we get to see her. She's really sweet, very nice and we share common interests, like bags, shoes and yes, even crushes. It was great to catch up with what she was doin' and hang out like we did in college (we were in the same org).

Had dinner and drinks with Jason and his family after that. They're really great, it's so easy to see now why Jason is such a great guy. His sister (very pretty and smart) is so fun to hang out with, and after only a couple of minutes of meeting them, i felt at ease, which was both surprising and overwhelming at the same time. We had dinner at Kitchen, and they tried out Coffee Bean after that. I was pleasantly surprised how well they adjusted to the whole Manila experience, considering the traffic, slight delay in their schedules and well, the new environment. Jason is really lucky :-)

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Monday, January 17, 2005

aumer & starbucks

aumer & starbucks
Originally uploaded by bunnie_lette.
Never mind that i work for their competitor. My cousin has been slaving ---make that sipping--- her way to get this thing. hheheh. I'm glad all that caffeine buzz is paying off. Maybe now she can go back to supporting the company i work for.


I'm meeting his parents today.

I don't really understand why it's such a big deal for me, but somehow it is. I mean, they're just his parents; then again, they're his parents. I really don't know if i can be chirpy and happy for the entire evening without freezing up, or as he says, "be coy".

Quite simply, i was never good at the "meet the parents" game.

My first ex and i never had to deal with it much, though i was always at their house, because we were friends first before anything developed into something more. Back then, i was not really that bothered about it, because well, it was just that. I like them and they (i'd like to think) also liked me, and we managed to get along fine.

My second ex's folks and i met only two times: one was a function which i sat with them at their table exchanging a few words for an hour or two (there was a show so we didn't really chat much) and two was the day before my ex left for the States. The day was spent having dinner (which was very informal and they pretty much were nice and quiet) and them leaving us to ourselves as we hung out with friends at his house.

The thing about this one is, they're i guess a little bit different. The culture/upbringing thing is quite an adjustment for me (and for them too, i'm sure), so i'm not really sure what to expect. Are they looking for an ex clone? Are they skeptical about our relationship? Do they think i'm nuts!? All questions, frustrating and unnerving pondering are making me into thins freakish mass of nerves. Sheesh. I'm getting all self-conscious. What if i make a complete ass of myself in front of them? *Sigh*

I know, i know. To wallow in this puddle of self-absorption is truly shallow and stupid. After all, it's just his parents. then again...

blah blah blah, you say. Yup.

I just hope that i won't screw things up.

+ + +

Sunday, January 16, 2005


Sunday na naman. Ilang beses nako nagpaplano ng weekend ko, pero lagi na lang paglinggo na parang nauubusan nako ng oras. Parang walang ako nagawa...*sigh*

+ + +

Watched the soft launch of CAQTU & Vanillafish last night. As usual, it started late (these are FA people, so it's no surprise) and well, the actual event went by so fast. Went there with Jason, Mitzy and Mary around 830, and we actually came in early. (the thing was supposed to start at 8) Oh well. Met the peeps (Kabbie, KItty, LA, Michael, Roo, Pika and the rest) and we basically hung out and check the clothing. Interesting... :-)

Hmmm. Too bad i didn't bring a cam. But then again, everybody else had one, so maybe i can ask someone to just send me a copy via email. hahha.

+ + +

I think Dads are officially overrated. My dad officially sucks. (a bit of a rant there)

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Friday, January 14, 2005

new year's

Originally uploaded by bunnie_lette.
melissa and I hung out at this glitzy (albeit kinda ho-hum) party for new year's eve. We got tipsy over scandalously priced drinks, but we did get to enjoy dressing up, watching some amazing fireworks display, a musical trip dowen memory lane and yes, watching kids dance their ass off in the dance floor while their folks look on. hehehe.


Originally uploaded by bunnie_lette.
Blame it on my scanning, but the weird and wacky edge of this shot actually pleased me. Here's me and my momma smilin' pretty. People say we look exactly the same ( tama ba?)

This is one of the rare photos i have with my mom, since i don't get to see as much.

Lomo fever

Originally uploaded by bunnie_lette.
I never thought i would be back to being a shutterbug. But with my lomo, all i can think of is taking pictures, no matter how weird, wacky or normal the subject may be. Here are some pics of moi wth family and friends during the xmas break. ( bwahahaha!)

Apparently this is me and my cousin Aumer hammin' it up (note the ever-so-happy smiles -- we just had a laughfest with fellow cousins about christmas back in the day --hehe)


it's funny how things get so complicated almost immediately.

Friendships are tricky things. One word or act and somehow things get blurry, words get more bitchy, then some drama sets in. Apologies seem to be unecessary, and at best, silent treatments are the best defense. *sigh* I am wondering how and when this will end. I hope that there will be an end to it. The funny thing is, you don't really know that you're already in the drama until you finally settle down and think, why the hell am i thinking about this soo much!!?!! And why the hell am i giving such a damn about it?!

+ + +

I am getting into a weird comfort zone that i am actually uneasy about it. Everything's fine...everything's ok... that's it. It's like the eye of a storm --- everything is quiet but outside there is chaos... i'm talking about the feeling you get when you realize that everything's ---argh--- normal and you aren't used to it. You know that somehow, something's gonna go wrong, but you have no idea when and how because everything's breezy.

Call me paranoid, but yeah, i do feel strangely funny about having a comfort zone. For the longest time my paranoia was (maybe it still is) my solace, my reality check on things going haywire in life that not feeling it these days gives me a feeling that i am A) dreaming, B) sleepwalking or C) just really really paranoid. Hahaha. I wish i can be more comfortable with myself in this state. Maybe i can pretend this is all a dream...

+ + +

I have a fondness for blogs, especially my friends'. It's my way of living vicariously (since i have very little time to go anywhere these days). Reading pao's adventures in Pasiklab makes me want to go there too.

I sympathize with fellow FruitLover's angst on everyday things which bother the heck out of you. Nicely said!

+ + +

Today i have vowed to malke a list of things i want to do/experience for this year. So here is my tentative list so far:

* surf again sometime soon
* earn and save money (10% of paycheck please!)
* travel
* get my visa
* learn a new sport/skill
* buy a new computer

(Btw, I'm selling my desktop computer --- interested parties, please contact me for details and specs).

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soft launch of CAQTU and Vanillafish

INVITE_ soft launch
Originally uploaded by bunnie_lette.
My friends are gonna launch their line of clothing tomorrow, 8pm at their place (JDV apartments, Tandang Sora, QC). If you have the time, check it out :-)

Thursday, January 13, 2005


Ok, i've been a happy bunnie these days. :-)

Can't complain, since spending time with my sweetie has been well, quite idyllic. I enjoy our moments of just hangin out, goofing around, be it as simple as a kiss on the shoulder while reading alongside each other, or exploring Marikina for a night (yup, we do that sort of thing).

One of our many adventures was to purchase a Uratex foam bed to replace his cot of a bed in the apartment. After getting it and arranging it in the room, he was all smiles, muttering to himself , "i should have done this months ago". Awwww. I can't help but feel goofy listening to him. hehehe.

Now we've checked out possible adventures out of town, to make most of his stay here (the impending doom still looms). His folks will be here in less than a week (both a thill and a wave of unease for me--- i'm not good at meeting the 'rents) and we've been making some skeletal plan on where to bring them, et al. Also, he plans to go to the famed Sagada, a 10-hour trip to the north (i have no idea if the trip will be worth that effort though) just so he can check out more of the countryside. As for moi, it may very well be a good time to finally go there, after much prodding from friends.

This is, after all, a year for new things.

+ + +

Speaking of new things and possible adventures, i hope that my personal adventure will soon come true. Here's to good vibes, best of luck and yes, possible futures outside my safety net!!! :-D

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

a break in the ice

i feel a weight has been lifted. I am the worst of the confrontation queens --- i have the worst timing, and when i am finally confronted, i forget what to say. I am glad though that we were able to clear out some things. Please do not think i do not love you --- after all, i feel like such a heel for being this selfish --- but i do want to know the whys and hows of this relationship. I am glad that we were able to talk aboutit, and me get it out of my head. Thank you for listening, and for understanding. I know that we are both adjusting, especially to this somewhat frail structure of a relationship. I am glad that for what it is, we are both happy. NO regrets!!!

I love you Sweetie

+ + +

Monday, January 10, 2005

blasts from the past

is it wrong to compare the past with the present? nowadays i can't help but think twice about what's happening with my life. This weekend has left me happy yet also brooding with questions i can't find answers for. Perhaps it's the fact that what i have right now isn't for a long-term thing. I can't help but regret that, more so that there is no guarantee whatsoever that this could have a possibility of having one.

Maybe i was just spoiled too much by my previous relationship. Rest assured, i love my sweetie. I guess I am saddened by the fact that unlike before, i am assured if not with time, with the actions that one shows me that i am loved, cared for and yes, appreciated. I don't mean to nitpick, after all, i have seen and felt my share of that these past months. Yet, somehow, i feel a certain negligence that i can't shake off, that this is all waning, even before it has to.

I miss the touchy-feely lambing, the sweetness that comes naturally from someone who enjoys your company, even when you're doing nothing. I miss the cute little notes, the baduy corny nonsensical things that comes from a guy who likes you a lot. The small things that are corny, the little acts of romanticism that somehow has become a thing of the past.

Am i merely paranoid? I can't shake it off... i wish i can just be like a guy and forget about it. I envy those who can easily change their emotions, or subdue them toa point that they feel nothing. I want that.

i find myself missing my ex again. *sigh*

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surfin' happy

My entire body is red, sore and aching.

Was out for the weekend for a beach trip with my sweetie and some friends. The weekend was a blast, to say the least. On an early saturday we piled up on a bus going to Zambales, which was about 4-5 hours (we had to move to another bus in Olongapo since the express already left). It was quite an experience for most of the people i was with (it was their first time to go to Zambales) but everybody was "coboy" enough to do it.

Memorable moments included the beachin' and tanning experience (complete with boisterous kids passing by and staring at our motley crew), "age of innocence" traditions (hunting, gathering and yes, fire-making), lazy day hangin', 'smores-making, star gazing and yes, first time surfing lessons!

We pretty much made use of the beach, tanning under the hot hot sun, reading, swimming and getting pounded by the waves, even making friends with local surfers. Hirosh and Jason gave us gals a free surfing lesson, which was quite fun. I managed to get on board and stay up a couple of times (yey!) despite the constant crashing, wipeouts and yes, occasional bump in the head by the boards (hahah) It was quitye invigorating to be able to finally "ride the waves".

Friday, January 07, 2005

vestiges of insecurity

Why is it that in the beginning of a new thing you are full of confidence that you swill in it, and once you are in what you perceive to be a comfort zone you suddenly are engulfed in a mass of insecurity you can't breathe?

I have always thought myself to be comfortable with everything, and being able to adapt easily to change. Unfortunately, nowadays i see myself a quivering mass of nerves, tagged along with the green-eyed monsters and some shadow of insecurity i can't seem to shake off. *sigh*

Why, do you ask? Again, i do not know. Perhaps it's the odd sensation of adjusting to life in the new year. Perhaps it's the fact that i can't seem to get myself together these days because i'm too worried about my future. Perhaps it's the fact that i am scared shitless of change, especially in my life.

I know that in the next couple of months, my life will drastically change because of certain decisions i will make on my career, my future. Where this will lead, i don't know. The fact that i don't know scares the shit out of me, and it doesn't help that try aas i might to make plans, i am not confident enough to handle it, let alone plan it.

+ + +

Yesterday was the exhibit of my roomie's dad at Megamall. We decided to check it out. It was a pretty amazing event, with Yuma's dad being so gracious by explaining to us the concept behind it and all. The Paradox of the box, which was pretty much the idea, was an idea which hit pretty close to home for me.

Everything is on a flat plane and it's up to you to make use of it, and/or get out of it. Sadly, when you get out of one, you get into another, one more box that is perceived by someone else.

I feel i am currently trying to get out of my own box and inadvertedly getting into another. By trying to "liberate" myself from my own box of limitations (set by myself), i get into another, set by either my folks, or people who know me.I feel like i'm in a tight schedule for decision making nowadays, planning my future before my expiration date of two months. I want to take my time, but i feel compelled to decide as soon as possible, lest i become useless... I feel so darn awkward now.

+ + +

Last night i was having dinner with some friends and they were talking about life like it was nothing. I can't help but feel envious on how easy it is for them to just take things like so. I recall thinking that way when i was a student, when i was just studying and making big dreams on what to do, where to go and not really caring about where my money will come from, or how i can survive. Working in the real world makes you jaded they say, and i guess i'm a living proof of that. Perhaps being "independent" makes you that way too. I feel so awkward that i am sitting amidst these idealistic people who know what to do with their lives and are so easy going about it while i am racked with the fear that my life may be dwindling away. I try to be more upbeat about it, but somehow i can't.

+ + +

With this massive indecision in me i feel small. I guess i'm writing this down to purge this emotion out from me, that hopefully once i read this i waill realize just how stupid i'm getting over something so... incoherent. :-(

+ + +

*sigh* I shouldn't complain. There are a lot more people who suffer from things worse than what i'm experiencing. I know that. Then why do i feel like crying now? :-(

Thursday, January 06, 2005

faith renewed

Last night Jason's cellphone nearly got lost. We were on our way back to the apartment from dinner at Likha Diwa, and when we got there he started fumbling for his cellphone. We decided to retrace our steps, going back all the way to the restaurant and checking if we left it, and finally asked around the tricycle terminal hoping that the drivers found it somehow.

I have lost around 2 cellfones in my lifetime to become jaded and cynical about people. It was quite a feat for me to ask around for help, knowing in the back of my mind that people i ask help from would probably not give a damn. But the people i thought would be uncooperative in getting our cellfone back were the very ones who rallied around us, helping us out by giving us information on who the driver was, even offering to bring us to him for free. when i decided to call the cellfone, it was ringing but then it got turned off. Then, somebody answered. It was the driver of the tryke we got into. He was so nice and came back to the terminal as soon as he finished eating to return the cellfone back to us.

It was both a good surprise and a slap to my face when we finally got the phone back. Stupid me for judging and for jumping immediately to thinking that all people were bad. There is STILL some good in this world. My faith was renewed somehow, that things today aren't so bad, that people can still make a difference.

Perhaps last night was my sign from God that things are gonna be all right.

*To kuya Horly and the green tyke drivers of KnL, salamat!

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Uratex and the search for the missing red ribbon

This is a pitstop from my adventure --- actually, this is lunch ,breakfast and merienda combined. Today i decided to go source out some ribbons and materials for a project for one of the restos we handle. Thinking it would be a breezse, i actuallt texted the opffice that i would be able to get back before lunch.

Ha. Fat chance. I actually thought i was back home, where everything can be done in less than an hour. Commuting from here to there in manila is like getting from say, manila to zambales. The traffic is so damn slow you can actually sleep and wake up after thirty minutes and see yourself a few meters away from where you were.:-P

Ok, if that wasn't enough, almost all the places i go to for ribbons ran out or are out of the darn ribbon i was looking for. How hard is it to find a 2 1/5" red ribbon?!?! Seriously!?! Well, i've gone to Kamuning, even as fas as Sta. Lucia and MArikina, but no ribbon. *sigh* My ever so nice sweetie was being dragged along for the ride, and since we were in the Marikina area, he decided to stop by Uratex to check out some foam. Yup, foam.

We've been trying to change the foam of the bed eversince he came back because he'd been complaining about how crappy his bed was. Anyhoo, this being an opportunity to check out new foam, we decided to go to the factory outlet of Uratex, where we were confronted with more than what we bargained for. All kinds of foam, from duratex tro permahard to those fancy schmancy foams, and all sorts of plastics too! Wow, this place is one of those places my mom would just love being in the entire day... all that foam and sponges were a little too much to take :-P

That done, i was back to my looking for the ribbon mode which still proving to be futile. Next stop? cubao. Hope i would get mugged while i'm there...

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

havin' some fun.... or not

Today is a day with mixed reviews.

I have recently sunk to my lowest depths so far since the new year started, and the most irritating thing about it is, i don't exactly know why. I have become nitpicky about my life, especially what comes after my so-called decisions for the new year. Yes, ladies and gents, i am going crazy.

To eradicate this self-imposed pain, i tried to sort out what i can do for the year (and do it i must, godammit!). I realize i want to:

-either work or study abroad
-earn money to do the first two things mentioned
-be happy!!!

Ok, i am a pessimistic person. I have been and perhaps always will be. It is terrible of me to be this way especially since i have just started the year, and i am trying my damnest to get myself out of this rut. *sigh*.

First steps first: get my passport ok-ed. So far, no good news on that one (my schedule is tomorrow for processing since i lost the darn thing last year). Hopefully by the end of this month i'll have a new one yey! Secondly, make a plan of action for the rest of the year. I've taken my first steps in checking out possible areas where i can go to, and possibly study. There are a LOT of places and schools i can go to, and i was quite overwhelmed by the enornity of what i was about to tackle. Apparently, it's not as easy as i thout. Here i am, downloading forms and whathaveyous so i can see the possibilities in hard copy.

The third priority is my biggest challenge for now: where to get the dough for this adventure. My parents of course, cannot shoulder it since they have their own lives (and i, being a supposed employed person and responsible daughter, is supposed to be well-off enough to support myself on this) and i feel really weird asking for money from them. I am considering loans and perhaps grants, though for now i am not exactly sure where i can get these. I have also taken into consideration selling some of the items i own.... hmmm... not enough though....

Still, the action of doing so gave me a bit of a lift in my mood and for that i am glad, at least. :-P

+ + +

My sweetie's 'rents are coming to visit sometime this month. Oh, the excitement! Quite frankly, i am scared. I was never the gal to handle meeting the 'rents with cool and panache, so this piece of news sank in slowly. I hope they're ok. I hope i'm gonna be ok. *sigh*

+ + +

Speaking of 'rents, my folks will be here next week too, for some legal and personal issues. It'll be fun (?) to see them again, although i am wary too (the xmas break was well, interesting) of what will be in store. I miss the idea of parents. Nah, i jjst miss my parents, i think.

Monday, January 03, 2005

manic monday

It depresses me when i have a feeling of impending doom on certain things happening in my life --- you know the feeling, it's the emotion you can't shake of that something bad is bound to happen and you can't do anything to stop it. In this case, that unshakable dread has been haunting me since yesterday. Try as i can to not think about it, i do, and i hate it.

I hate feeling this way. This year is supposed to be a great year, and i feel horrible that i'm starting it with a dreadful outlook. I MUST think otherwise, else i go mad from all this. Yargh. If only there is a perma-happy pill that can make me forget the bad things and just focus on the good, a pill that can make me eternally happy no matter how much heartache i feel.

+ + +

i am hoping that this year will give me some answers, answers to questions which have been left out for some time now. I am hoping that this year will not end in heartache but continued love and happiness, of which brings life into my overcast existence. i am hoping that sooner or later i may find clarity in what i truly want, what i truly enjoy, what i truly love in this world. Perhaps then i can really decide on what to do...

+ + +

How can i make a difference when i am left an empty shell of disillusion? How can i aspire to change things when i have very little hope in me? I cannot see the joy that is around me, for i am consumed by doubt and depression which continues to mock me in my dreams. I cannot fathom the idea of love when i see doubt in my source of love. I cannot muster enough happiness to conceal and repel the sadness i have within me...

+ + +

Happy New Year!

with Lette
Originally uploaded by psychicpants.
Got this photo from psychicpants' pao, when we met by accident at Seattle's a few minutes into 2005.

New Year's eve was not much of an event for me, though i did get to see some amazing fireworks, drink a lotta booze and yep, smoke my lungs out with a gal pal. :-) Oh yeah. that, and top it off with some coffee, chips and Connie and Carla.hehhee.
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